TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of place. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have A further spot wherever American Males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: give Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should really end making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD may have flip-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based Trump Tower Damascus on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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